my desire to be open and free again

I have hesitated for a loooong time to get back to a place where I can express myself freely. These thoughts have not served me well at all, and it's time to let go. I sent this to a friend on Monday afternoon. My whole outlook seems much clearer since.

hello my dearest art friend.

I was thinking the other day, you were my very first "ART" friend, and I have been more than inspired by you over the years. I have "bla bla bla'd" you to death, made a ka-zillion-trillion declarations that I was making something, and that DAMN fear thing, seemed to always step in and prevent me.

I got a call from my Ex yesterday morning. I normally dont answer the phone, but I did. At first I thought stupid me, because he berated and threatened and tried to bully me the whole time. The remaining part of the day, he and his words crept deep inside my head. DAMN HIM!!!! Well last night, I pulled out my journal. Now I have to start by saying how much I enjoy your class. I have read and re-read all your posts, watched the video's over & over, and go to Flickr multiple times daily. But yesterday was different. When I realized my FEAR of the ex was freezing me in my own life, I also realized that same fear is preventing me from creating, something I SOOOOOOO want to do. So out came my journal. Up til this point the only thing I had done was gel medium the 1st two pages, of which I loved how it turned out and was afraid to mess it up. To HELL with the fear, and I went to my watercolors and started painting. I LOVE these pages. I will def post tonight. So this morning I woke, still furious I had allowed the Ex to get inside my head, and I turned to my journal. YUP! I gel mediumed pages 3 & 4, let dry, glued(ModPodged) random squares on the page, let dry, painted w/ acrylics, let dry. Then I didn't like it. So, nothing is ever a done deal. I pulled out my gesso, and voila, I'm in love again. It's drying now. I guess my point is, your class was adding up to be another class I paid for but was only a spectator. I am SOOOOO glad I am in the game. It seems to help me chill out in only a matter of moments. I would love to post this on my blog, to inspire others, but he may still be snooping, and he doesn't deserve to know he still can get under my skin. I know your Art Journal blog is safe, so if the mood strikes you, It's ok to post.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. We have been friends for years now, and it only seemed fitting to share in what a landmark-ish way, your class has help me out.

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!

And her reply, received this morning...

Oh Sandy----I LOVE YOU too so very much. You have no idea how happy it makes me to see you jumping in to the workshop. YOUR PAGES ARE GORGEOUS!!! I can not say that enough. Yesterday I read your email then saw your pages on flickr and I was honestly moved to tears. I love that you took a nasty, negative situation with your ex and transformed it into such radiant, beautiful pieces of art in your journal. Wow, Sandy. Wow. You know what....I'm going to be honest with you.....you need to be honest and share. You need to share your story and show that beautiful piece on your blog. You know why? It would help so many people--and it would help so many people heal. I mean that. I really, really mean that. I think you hiding the beauty that you transformed from such a negative experience--IS your ex still having control over you. You are human. Of course you fell a little and hurt a little under his bullshit--but you didn't stay there for long--you transformed it into something beautiful...and for all its worth...that's flipping him the ol' bird if he did see it. Sandy...don't hide any longer...be you...be your beautiful, wonderful, radiant self completely--because by doing that--you will help so many others do the same. And he can snoop, linger, and be stuck in his little negative, sad world all he wants. You own who you are--and you are that beautiful field of green I saw in your journal today. Big hugs!! Big, warm, Arizona sunshine, hugs! Need I say more?